


Who's the Biggest Dick?

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Background Viktuuri - Freeform, Dick Size, M/M, background implied past Chris/Viktor, comparisons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 20:02:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: Leo finds an article that causes many giggles, some speculation, a fight, and Yuri to start questioning his life choices.





	Who's the Biggest Dick?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this Tumblr post](http://altisetsky.tumblr.com/post/161413248783/i-keep-seeing-people-talk-about-the-kazakh-dick).

“Sorry I’m late.” Otabek took the chair next to Yuri – the only one left open at the table. He gestured at where Chris, Leo, and Phichit were staring at Phichit’s phone while Guang Hong and Yuuri were trying not to die of embarrassment. Viktor wasn’t helping with Yuuri, whispering something in his ear. “What are they doing?”

Yuri scoffed. “Leo found a list comparing average dick sizes around the world. Chris is telling us whether he finds it accurate or not. Shame you missed it when he was talking about Russia, he and Katsudon nearly started throwing punches.”

Otabek blinked. “Why?”

“Everyone at this table except those two idiots now knows much more than they ever wanted to about what a Living Legend’s dick looks like. And you, because you were spared that conversation.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow and looked over. The ones around the phone were now silent, staring at Otabek in awe. “I think I found where I’m looking for my next boyfriend,” Chris announced.

Otabek poured himself a drink from the pitcher of beer. “Sorry, I’m taken.”

“Not you specifically, but Kazakhstan… how do you compare in terms of height, Otabek?” Phichit asked.

Otabek shrugged. “I’m about average. We’re kinda short.”

“Holy hell.” Leo stared at Otabek, mouth hanging open.

“What?”

Leo and Phichit couldn't answer, so Chris took the phone from Phichit's unresisting hand. “Of all the countries in the world, Kazakhstan’s ranked sixteenth, way above world averages. 19.1 centimeters. And you guys are short?”

Yuri’s eyes got huge and he turned to stare at Beka, speechless. Beka squeezed his hand. “Did they actually go out and measure a bunch of Kazakhstani men, or is this self-reported?”

Leo recovered and took the phone Chris held out to him, skimming the article. “I don’t know, it doesn’t say. Why?”

“Just curious.” Even allowing for exaggeration, Otabek didn't think Kazakhstani men were any more prone to lying than men of other countries, so there probably was some element of truth to it.

“So…?” Chris drawled.

“I am not discussing my dick. Sorry.”

Phichit crossed his arms and pouted. “Liar.”

“You’re right. I’m not sorry.”

 

They let it drop, talking about various other countries, while Otabek completely ignored them. Yuri seemed willing to let it go, too, but when they left for the night, Yuri didn’t get on the motorcycle right away. “Beka…?”

Otabek chuckled softly. This was not a surprise. He was just grateful Yuri had waited until they were alone. “It’s been a while since I measured. I don’t remember exactly, but it was somewhere around nineteen – but I’ve grown about eight centimeters since then, so...”

“Oh. Wow. That’s…" Yuri trailed off, staring at Otabek's crotch and struggling to find words. "Wow. From the way they were talking, that sounds… big.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never really compared it to anyone else’s, except the one time. And that… I can’t decide if you’d love the story or refuse to have anything to do with me ever again.”

“Tell me and let me decide.”

“One of our rinkmates was talking about a thing he’d read saying Asian men had tiny dicks, JJ asked me if it were true, I told him the truth that I had no idea because I didn’t exactly go around staring at other guys’ dicks. JJ took that as a challenge, Jackie made a crack about no wonder I go for kids because they wouldn’t know any better…”

“You go for kids? What the hell was that supposed to mean?” Yuri interrupted, eyes flashing. 

“JJ was not the most annoying rinkmate I had during my time in Canada. Jackie… I suppose, in his defense, he wasn’t entirely _wrong_ , but he saw the magazine picture of you I had taped to the back of my locker for motivation and jumped to conclusions. I was sixteen at the time, and I think you were twelve in the first picture he saw. He wasn’t calling me a pedophile, just taunting me about you.”

“Oh." Yuri visibly relaxed. "He’s still an asshole.”

From what Otabek heard from JJ, Jackie hadn't gotten any better since Otabek had left Canada, either. “Yeah. Anyway, it pissed me off enough to take JJ up on his suggestion of having a contest. Jackie borrowed a measuring tape with the excuse that I thought I was growing and wanted to see if I’d need to send updated measurements to the person making my costumes for the season. I don’t remember exact numbers. JJ was a little bigger than Jackie, both right around fifteen which we looked up and found was in the average range, and I was nineteen. Neither of them spoke to me for a week, and JJ told me he would kill me if I ever told anyone.”

Yuri threw his head back laughing. “So why would I refuse to have anything to do with you ever again?”

“Because JJ refused to believe me until he did the measurement himself.”

Yuri laughed harder, until his face suddenly looked like Viktor had just grabbed Katsuki's ass in front of them. “I need brain bleach. Gross, but it was four years ago, so I think we can say the JJ cooties are gone now.” He put his helmet on and got on the bike. "Can I see it?"

"Not here." Yuri snickered into Otabek's shoulder. "Back at the hotel."

**Author's Note:**

> The article Leo, Chris, and Phichit are discussing [is real](http://www.comoalargarelpene.info/pene-promedio/). It's also in Spanish, but most country names are similar enough you can figure them out.


End file.
